Fuel Crisis: Cornish Pasties to the Rescue Shock

Howard Elston reportsOur man in Parliament, Sir Howard Elston (DOA), who spends a lot of time at Greggs in his downtime, reports on a major political breakthrough for Dave Clegg and Nick Cameron.

In a move that will split the country in half, the coalition has come up with a plan to stop the impending petrol strike row scandal crisis shock.

The government is to manufacture reconstituted Cornish pasties to use as substitute vehicle fuels  to keep Britain on the road.

It is known that at a top level, hush hush, tight-lipped crisis meeting of the secret hush hush, tight lipped Cobra group, the coalition approved a top boffin’s plan to stuff the hot food into our fuel tanks.

Yummy, says Dave

All vehicles except Honda Civics will be able to use the new fuel which, by the way, will not be liable to new VAT rises.

Dave Cameron, looking tired and a bit ‘pasty faced’ after a marathon 17 minute session, said: ‘I like a good pasty because of my working class roots which spread all the way back to the Bullingdon Club where Gordon Brown’s  granddad was once a butler.’

‘So I know what the value of the this tasty treat is. I ate one of them in a train station somewhere which one of my lowly unpaid internees found on the net.’

Nick Clegg, a popular Libdem leader, known by all for his independence added: ‘Yes, me too. And I also  backed  internet hacker Gary McKinnon from getting extradited to the US until I got official access to Downing Street.’

The Pasty Victory gave an immediate boost to the government’s ratings. Fat people who enjoy a pasty or ten every day before going to the gym applauded the solution. ‘I am happy. Now all I have to do is suck the fumes out of my ten year old Beemer’s tank to get a bite off my favourite tasty treat.’ said Trevor who is fat.

Jane, a Scottish food specialist, added: ‘Ach aye, my wee lasses and laddies. Cornish pasties taste best when ye flute the edges a wee bit of yon pasty and brush over wi’ yon milk. Vote SNP.’