The Dickhead Tapes: Trump’s final pledge

Sir Howard Elston, our US editor, gets down and dirty with the president with one day to go before the electoral effluent hits the ventilation

I am sitting down with President Trump (writes Sir Howard). He is looking trim and slim, having just completed a month-long diet to tighten his belt – a regime that includes salt water, children under six and the raw spleen of New Yorkers. Here are excerpts from this one-to-one interview:

Sir Howard Elston: Lord Don, always a pleasure. You look well.

Donald Trump: I am. I’m ready for a second term.

Howard: So, despite the polls, you’ll win?

Trump: My people are behind me. They’re taking to the streets right now. I can hear their knuckles dragging in the dust. They’re My Voters, My Children, and I’ll win. 

Howard: How will you Keep American Great?

Trump: We have to root out and destroy all signs of anti Americanism. Y’know Howie, I walk down the street and hear violent  talk about us living as “…one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all..” It has to stop. I mean stop….

Howie: But how?

Trump: Our country is afflicted by democratic forces that have no place in key states like Pennsylvania, North Carolina and the golf courses of Florida. They’ll be squashed, Sleepy Joe’s head will be put on a spike over the Golden Gate Bridge in Nevada and the poor and disenfranchised will rise, armed to protect the fatherland and once again revere the heroic fathers who founded our nation.

Howie: By our founding fathers, you do mean the landed aristocracy of the 1770’s, the slaveholders and those who were could read and write and produced documents proclaiming  the right to own sub machine guns and think of black people as three-fifths of a human being?

Trump: It’s all in the Constitution so it must be true. We’re going back to basics. Germany had some good ideas, y’know, so I’ll create a Special Stasi-land Task Force to kill off evil and those who grub in the dirt for equality. I’ll build a wall around Indiana and begin a Return to America. Yes, a Return to… (a muffled sound and the interview comes to a sudden halt and the president is led out as the crackling sound of small arms fire fills the studio).




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