Sir Howard Elston, our diplomatical editor, sits down with an angry Donald J. Trump

I am sitting on a leopard skinned couch lined with black leather coverlets as I begin a 1-2-1 behind closed doors, in camera, exclusive, no holds barred sit-down  with Prez hopeful Donald J. Trump.

Attired in his high class blue suit with a red tie and sporting that impeccable scouring brush quiff, I try to quell his swelling anger. This time it’s over the Fourth Estate – the media, that is – and I can personally join him as I still rankle after being fired from 14 papers for what to me are perfectly legit expenses regarding private jets, cocaine and sharp clothes that enabled me to do my job.

But enough of me. To the interview with Mr Trump:

Sir Howard Elston: Lord Trump, it is indeed an honour. What’s your beef today? You seem as angry as the mayor of Angryville.

Donald Trump:I am, Howie. I love America. But it is  plagued by the media. It is a poison and it is criminal and the worstest of the the worst in our beautiful – and I mean beautiful – nation.

SHE: How is it unfair?

DT: They quote me all the time. They cover my press conferences live, the social media, including Facetweet and Hooters, quote me verbatim and use my internetting comments. It is ludicrous, evil and Hillary will pay for it.

SHE: But all they’re doing is quoting your words about race, women, paranoid conspiracies, big walls on the Mexican border…

DT: Yes, and reporters should’t quote me. It’s all lies.

SHE: Your comments are lies?

DT: Lies, all lies. But they’re my lies. Big beautiful lies. And it is criminal to quote my beautiful lies because they are owned by me and are copyright protected. They are stealing my lies And also…also…the media are electronically rigging the ballot stations. It’s a well known fact. Very well known.

SHE: The media is rigging the election?

DT: The media conspiracy is placing tiny Communists and microscopic terrorists inside our polling station computers. Each and very ballot box in this great nation of ours. I have this from  top  high level sources.

Vote rigging tiny Commies

SHE: And who is that?

DT: Sarah Palin and Vladimir Putin.

SHE: (Getting up quickly to leave the room before it explodes) Don, always a pleasure.

DT: Thanks, Sir Elston. But don’t print this or you’ll be as badder as the badder US papers and TV are badder.

SHE: I won’t. And Donno, get in touch me when you reach the outer moons of Neptune

DT: I will. Of course I will.

Sir Howard Elston’s interview was supported by the Trump Bankrupt Casinos Federation.