Top Goon

Sir Howard Elston, our entertainment editor recently released from prison for punching one of our sub-editors, reports on Chris Evans’ new job as Clarkson’s successor.

Howard ElstonGinger haired TV guy Lord Chris Evans has spoken to me personally about taking over the Top Gear job from superheavyweight boxer Jeremy ‘Bagelbelly’ Clarkson.

The Radio 2 presenter, who has also re-launched his old TV show, Thanks God It’s Clarkson, said it was an honour to take over the reins from the man who is not a racist nor a bully who kicks the butt of producers in a fit of pique over a bag of chips or takes potshots of those without jobs or family wealth.

Lord Evans, who will be knighted within the next fortnight if Cammo has anything to do with it, told me in the back of my five door 1.6 Mondeo (with A/C and satnav) over a bottle of Perrier Lite and a guacamole sandwich: “I can never replace Sir Jeremy. But I can put my own spin on pissing off half the population.”

Evans is worth £127 billion while Sir Jeremy, when he pays off his lawyers’ bills,  will pick up a billion or two from either Amazon or Netflix for another stupid show about cars.

Phil, from his second hand car dealership in Leeds, commented: “Fwoar… Chrisso in charge of Top Thing. Maybe he can open my new Skoda Super Hypermarket next week.”