I was looking at my ‘extensive’ wardrobe just as my visiting daughter walked into the room. She took one scathing look at my combat trousers hanging up and pronounced them as well and truly “chav”. So having been well and truly dissed by a style guru, my hunt for a new pair of trews began.

Now, when I was a lad and a would-be dedicated follower of fashion, choosing trousers was a comparatively pleasurable experience, especially bearing in mind my 32″ going on 30″ waist. Proper trousers were usually Evaprest (ideal for knocking around with the Sparkhill Skins) while the more casual look for those trips up the road into Moseley was the hippie style pair of loons. A few years later, this became even simpler as most trendies adopted the Napoleon Bonaparte high waisted look.

Even jeans were simple in the days before supermarkets diversified into textiles. The choice was Wrangler (skinhead) or Levi (greaser), parallels or flares – unless you risked all credibility by nipping into C&As for a pair of their Jingler jeans.

However, these days, as I found to my cost, it’s not so easy as I tried to hang onto my 32″ waist while holding off the temptation of a pair of ‘Cumfy’ beige trousers with an elasticated waistband. Unfortunately, these days trousers come in a range of uncomfortable sizes – skinny, slim fit, narrow fit and so on – all suited for the man with pipe cleaner legs. When I struggled to get them past my thighs, I ended up looking like a dead ringer for Max Wall. I could always go for gothic-clothing.

Now jeans should be easier given that everybody sells them these days. Unfortunately, the range is bewildering with styles ranging from the sort which would get the wearer a part as an extra in Grease to an ideal stand in for a New York rapper. And don’t get me started on bootcut, whatever they are.

Even worse, button flies seem to be back in fashion when all I want is a zip. The problem with buttons is that you need the grip of an Olympic weightlifter to prise the buttons into the eyeholes and the eyesight of a hawk to line them up properly. As many of us of a certain age find the need for increasing visits to the gentlemen’s room, it becomes a lengthy and stressful experience.