Our mixer taps look sleek but everybody thinks that they can be swivelled around and they can’t and then require a box spanner to retighten…. a tool well beyond the range of my optimistically named ‘tool’ box. Even worse the hot water comes out at a the rate of an old man with severe prostate problems. I am told by a plumber that this is the unfortunate result of ‘modern’ thinner piping.

The wonderful swivelling shelves on the corner food cupboard have already been unhinged by a few cans of baked beans and the grouting in the impressively solid looking granite floor tiles are a natural resting place for every food crumb in existence. All appliances fit within an inch of their ten year guaranteed life, meaning that to clean behind the fridge freezer needs the flexibility of a limbo dancer and the strength of an Eastern Bloc weight lifter.

The ‘modern’ kitchen basin accommodates a washing up bowl the size of an egg cup which is now about the only thing that can be put in soak. However, undoubtedly, the worst thing about the new kitchen is that my signature dish of cheese on toast is now a fond memory. The days of enjoying the frenzy of bubbling and browning to Michelin starred perfection, on an easy to monitor, eye level grill are long gone, sacrificed for a kitchen that is a real looker and like a lot of lookers is found sadly lacking in terms of doing a useful job.