Laurence Inman has seen a secret memo and, in true Wikileaks fashion, reveals its contents just prior to his arrest.

From: Sir Jeffrey Coffin-Spanner KGO, HBO, KGB, Head of Smoke and Mirrors.

Our congratulations must go out to the Department of Drivel and Diversions, for the sterling work they have been doing over the past two years; people running round in circles, old ladies standing about, young women having babies – they’ve brought out all the big guns and the plebs at large have, in general, swallowed it hook, line and sinker, giving us acres of time to go about our purposes unobserved.

Congrats also to our esteemed bosses in Downing Street, who managed to drop plain packaging on fag packets and minimum pricing on rotgut cider without anyone turning a hair (apart from the usual suspects in the bleeding-heart nanny-brigade.)

Now is the ideal time to turn our full attention to what has always been our main aim: flogging off the meaty bits of the Health Service to Poundflesh Insurance Solutions (US)

My message to you all is simple: take football as your model.

Until the eighties (of glorious memory) football was a ramshackle ‘business’ run by mad old drunks on behalf of the male working-classes, who needed somewhere to let off steam of a Saturday afternoon. The grounds were ancient crumbling death-traps, constructed mostly of rotten timber and piles of litter. Every week countless opportunities for making money were slipping off into oblivion, never to return.

Then a series of disasters gave us the excuse to turn this shambles into what we have today: half-a-dozen super-clubs charging a ton for every game, and soon to hive themselves off into an even more expensive Euro-Premier Circus, while the rest go bankrupt and end up playing down the local park.

Now, I’m not suggesting that we organise some sort of Death-fest to discredit the Health Service. No, we just SAY THERE’S BEEN ONE.

Already, the pilot scheme at Stafford has been seen to work brilliantly. The target scam has produced its first miscreants, who will soon be dealt with in the courts. Morale amongst medical and nursing staff has never been lower. Thanks to our mates in Fleet Street, everyone is now convinced that A&E departments across the country are on the verge of collapse and that Death will stalk the land this Christmas.

We must act now, before the country wakes up.

I’m depending on you.