Sir HOWARD ELSTON (DOA) gives the inside line on who will be the new top man at the scandal-scarred BBC. Here’s his crucial report:
Sources within the bowels of Broadcasting House, the BBC’s top secret HQ, have told me today that disgraced former CIA boss David Petraeus will become the next Director General of the BBC within the next week.
The ex general, known for various reasons as The Afghan Surge, has stepped down from his Pentagon job in disgrace over allegations of an eight in a bed sex furore.
Tonight, my contact within Washington said: ‘Dave’s the man to sort out the BBC. He will show dignity and resolve in sorting out the over managed broadcaster. Look how he bombed the f*^£k out of Pakistan with illegal drones. He knows how to rule.’
He will succeed egghead George Whats- his-name who stepped down after 54 days in the job with a symbolic £450,000 ($750,000 for you American numbnuts) hand out to see him through the next 40 years of his life. This followed admissions that he knew nothing about nothing about anything.
John Patten, current chair of the BBC Trust, who carries out onerous responsibilities that nobody understands, said: ‘Iraq and Afghanistan today…our beloved BBC tomorrow. Lots of hot Oxbridge tottie for Dave within our hallowed halls.’
Other top names chasing the senior post include:
– Abu Qatada...top terror suspect and reported ‘right handman (sic) of Osama bin Laden’…now released from prison. He will be job hunting as of Friday after he settles down in his North London pad
– Psy...the king of Gangnam Style hippie hoppie techno garage funk thingy…he’ll bring a quick step to the dusty corridors of power
– Margaret Moran..ex Luton South MP found to have pocketed £60,000 worth of fiddled expenses from the public but unfit to stand trial. She’ll know how to get the books in order right quick.
Big Phil, a political analyst from Leeds who runs a high end Toyota dealerhip in Roundhay said: Blimey coor and ‘eck, by gum. General Dave’s the guy for me. I am of today shipping him two low mileage Avensis SUVs complete with AC and multi change CD racks…and a backseat that reclines into a double bed.’