Howard Elston, our avian correspondent, with news from the marshes of Britain.

Birdwatchers throughout the UK are agog with news that a Lesser Clegg has been spotted in the Malvern Hills this past week end.

I, your humble birdwatching expert, am amazed if this is true. The species is rarely seen alone but usually in company of more exotic breeds found in the Home Counties and rural shires of this green and pleasant land.

The Clegg, known for its flaccid right wing, is better known for its equivocal and unpleasant nature, flying with whatever wind is dominant and grazing from the dropping of others.

Lesser Clegg with the dominant yellow streak

It is spineless with a bright yellow streak running through its hollow chest. It is totally without a heart and ice cold putrid blood runs throughout its veins. It does not breed in a normal manner and is known to rob the nests of others and take all the credit.

It is totally dominated by the Greater Blue Tory and is bullied by that raptor bird into imitating whatever call it hears.

Sheleigh, a Lesser Clegg expert and chairmother of the Lower Tynedale WI said: ‘It is indeed a one off sighting that cannot be ignored.’

‘But’ she added, ‘It can never trusted as it is known to disloyally abandon its nest and fly with the stronger species. By the way, we are doing a special 2-for-one deal on apricot jam. The scones are, as usual, made by Mabel who cleans for me.’’