Howard McElston, our North of Carlisle reporter, puts down his claymore to tell us about developments in Tartanonia.

In a news splurge that will rock the very foundations of every wee bothy in this island of ours, it has been announced that a ‘bit’ of Mel Gibson’s body will run for President when Scotland cuts itself off from the rest of Britain to become independent.

Since this is a family website, I am hesitant to give anatomical details but it is a ‘sensitive’ area for any man and is way below the belt in normal times.

One gossip social media site last night reported: ‘His left b*ll**k will represent Clackmannanshire in the next Scottish Assembly election and then Mr Gibson’s people say he will put up this very private part to lead the country.’

It is understood that Alex Salmond, currrent cappo di tutti di Ecosse, is not only furious but unsettled by this new development.

Professor MS Tang, a Glasgow political analyst with the University of Glasgow, said: ‘Mel Gibson, with his blue painted face and Ozzie accent is every Scots’ personification of a godlike hero. In a recent poll, it is found 74% of Scots manhood would…ahem…want the actor’s manhood to lead a newly independent country.’

The Salmond camp was last night in private talks in a secret hideaway conference centre in the artsy town of Alloa, it is understood. An SNP spokesman said (if I could decipher his accent): ‘Och aye, wee old Alex is a bit o’erwrought over this wee stramash. I think it will make his caterpillar eyebrows knit that wee bit mair. Pass the Glenfiddich.’

The Gibson move will mean English boss David Cameron, known to those south of the border as Prime Minister, will have to move quickly.

Today, a Downing Street spokesperson confirmed week end newspaper reports that he and his (lovely) wife Sam have bought a Cineplex monthly ticket to check up on Mel’s latest artistic work.

The spokesthing added: ‘Dave and Sam are also interested in Mr Gibson’s view of the political and philosophical world just in case he becomes Scotland’s titular head. They understand he holds interesting perspectives on both religion and liberal values as held by western democracies.’

Professor Tang, from his Glasgow book-lined redoubt, added: ‘Sales of blue make up bags from both Boots and Muji are up 43% in the past week alone. Pass the Glenfiddich. Forget the Irn Bru.’