EXCLUSIVE: Our Reporter Rises to Heaven in Rapture

Shock: Howard Elston has been swept up to heaven as part of The Rapture and files this  AMAZING story from the Pearly Gates.

In an astonishing event that will rock my very world (and anything above) to its very core, I found myself channelled up to heaven yesterday as part of my personal Rapture.

Yes, it is true despite what the devil-sponsored media  has callously lied about. The Rapture has happened.

Harold Camping is right. I can vouch for it as I stand on a billowy cloud here in Heaven (http:www. Iaminheavenheaven.co.uk) looking down on the world and its many time zones.

Somewhere above, I can’t yet define this, I see a godly outline of a figure with a white beard and a glow around his head. He has a deep boomy voice and is speaking in Aramaic just like Mel Gibson said he would.

Yes, the Rapture is true. I have slipped up to heaven just as predicted on the Family Station radio network that Mr Camping owns and selflessly uses to pour money into its bank accounts to help save the world.

Earlier I spoke to Gabriel at the Pearly Gates on a Skype link which is all the rage here Upstairs. He said: ‘I am a Birmingham City fan and I am sick as a cherub that they have been demoted.’

‘And in the United States, which as we know is really blessed as the Kingdom of God, I am a Cincinnati Reds baseball fan and always liked Pete Rose even before he was born.’

But enough from Gabriel. More on what I see and hear: Around me here in Heaven are some famous faces including JFK, Queen Elizabeth the Great, Pele (who is not dead yet and has been Raptured), and a footballer I cannot mention because of an Ecclesiastical Superinjunction involving him and Madonna (err. the singer not the religious icon).

My initial reactions are that Heaven is a well oiled machine. I have been measured for my wings (40 regular); have spoken to all my forebearers going back to 22 AD; had a brief one-to-one with Jesus, Joshua and St Mary; and, changed all my high school and university grades to ensure I am the smartest guy ever.

Anyway enough of me. From this cloudy celestial height, I see the benighted planet below. Earthquakes have been delayed, I accept that, because of the Icelandic volcano (see, Mr Camping is correct in a kind of meteological sense) and the only place that will survive is Menorca where the whole Elston family is going on its hols come July in a really nice place with an infinity pool.

I will, of course, descend back to the plagued Earth for that fortnight because I had already booked my flight and Easyjet brooks no truck with a payback on a cancelled flight even if the email comes from Heaven.

God bless you and Mr Camping and…pul-eeeeze… send your cheque to him at his family Radio Station because there will another Rapture when the money runs low.

+Howard will continue his exclusive reportage from Heaven in future..if there is one