A warning from our social care correspondent.
This missive from my kids (Petunia, Aelfred and Derek) arrived at the foot of my cave today. I publish it as a warnng to anyone with offspring who lives in Blighty!!! (writes Sir Howard).
As you know, Theresa May, England’s communist monarch, wants to ensure you pay for residential care if you’re a slobbering idiot or plagued by demented old age. You have to sell all your chattels including the homestead and can only give away £100,000 in inheritance. The rest go to the moneygrubbing care home industry. But we can keep the whole lot if you die quickly and don’t hang around.
So, as your children, we want to make it clear how we see your future:
- Hit the floor with a fatal heart attack
- Drown in a yachting catastrophe
- Expire immediately waiting for a British Air flight
- Suffer a quick death-dealing stroke after one of your appalling weekend bouts with the bottle
YOU MUST NOT:
- Hang on forever after an illness
- Hang on in an old age residential home
- Live a senile life until you’re 99
- Fade over decades in a recliner in a corner
- Become incapacitated in any way
Basically, old boy, drop dead fast. Or we lose the whole shooting match: Hampstead mews, Cotswold hideaway and the Aspen ski lodge.
Your loving sprogs,
P, A and D