Sir Howard Elston reveals special new moves to stop immigration in UK-land.
STOP PRESS: Latest from Trumpville.
Tonight I can reveal in a top secret, exclusive hush-hush report that senior Westminster bosses have disclosed just how they can slow the pace of out of control immigration.
They’ve decided to ban Lord Sir Donald J Trump from coming to our shores.
A Home Office boss told me amid gallons of bad wine, crap Belgian beer and a line or two of Columbian marching powder at a pre-Christmas party as he nibbled a barely cooked chicken thigh: “One way to stop terrorism is to turn that lard-bucket back when he hits our borders…even if his fat arse could fit past an immigration booth.”
Trump has out-trumped himself this week by saying all Muslims should be banned from entering the US because Americans would be afraid they’d eat all their hamburgers and slurp all its McSlurry smoothies once they got past Ellis Island.
But the Home Office said El Trumpo would be blacked because his Scottish heritage will be linked to the Jacobite Rising of 1745 when Scotties rampaged through southern Scotland and Northern England with big swords and skirts and emptied supermarket shelves of flagons of Tennants Lager and crate loads of haggis flavoured crisps.
Also, his dubious German heritage means Trump would dubiously be linked with our pal Adolf and the dubious 1872 sacking of Paris (France) amidst the even more dubious Franco-Prussian war.
The Home Office spokes-thing, who had left the nibbling of his chicken leg to move onto the ankle of a young Foreign Office intern, added, “Trump will be turned back at our gates. We can’t trust the bugger. Wigmakers of the world, unite.”
Phil, a high-flying second hand car dealer from Pontefract, Yorkshire added: “Does that mean I have to vote Democrat? Next thing we know we’ll have that Bernie guy as chief commissar of our Sceptred Isle and our green and pleasant land will be turned red with Commie invaders.
“And while we’re at it, I shall be writing to Sir Donald forthwith to bring back flogging, hanging and repeats of David Essex videos.”