Sir Howard ‘Rocketman’ Elston, confidante of the stars, reveals what you did and did not see in the sky today as scientists claimed it was a solar eclair.

DATELINE: Cape Kennedy, USA

Hold the front page of this website. I can tell you, my loyal readers, amazing news about the alleged ‘solar eclipse’ which pseudo scientists are trying to say has to do with the moon hitting the sun and earth not being flat.

Many said it was the lunar orb obscuring the face of the sun. But it was not.

Insiders within the boffin community admit it was Jeremy Clarkson’s arse being kicked by BBC bosses into orbit because he allegedly threw a punch at a work mate.

Kicked into outer space

Clarko has not been seen for days now. But ass-tronomers say his bottom was briefly glimpsed passing Pluto late this afternoon on a direct flight to The Dog Star.

His passage past the sun, which cast the earth into darkness for 22 minutes, came as 54 billion people signed a petition calling for Mr Punch to keep his job because he has all the skills of a Mr Angry who likes to chew his own fingers off if his fajita and chips mixed grill is not hot off the plate after a hard day driving cars with go-faster stripes and making boneheaded comments right out of the UKIP code book.

The ex-PM of Engerlund, Mr Dave Cammo, said: “Any friend of mine who

Cameron: Clarko fan

makes £45 billion per week is a friend of mine. Keep Jazza on screen, that’s what the people of Britain say as I patrol the golf clubs of this bonnie wee island.”

A BBC spokes-thing told me over cold tea and stale biscuits: “We kicked his bum right off the planet. The boy has worn his last bomber jacket for us. The taxpayer can relax.”

Top scientist Lord Phil From Yorkshire commented: ‘It’s not unusual for celebs to be kicked up the arse Into space and block our life giving  Sun.

‘Just think of any number of tv names whose stars have dimmed over the past years. I am switching to Fox News forthwith.’

@sirhowardelston