Howard Elston, our man in Rio with the rum cocktail and the ringside seat at the nude beach volleyball finals, splashes a new twist on the Luis Suarez biting incident

The mother of Luis Suarez is today flying to Brazil to give her son a big row after he bit an opponent in the Uruguay-Italy bunfight.

The Liverpool striker sunk his chops into the gloriously named Giorgio Chiellini in the 79th minute of the match. Uruguay won 1-0.

His angry mother told me in an intimate Montevideo eaterie: “That Louey has got to learn to be a big boy. I will put him on the naughty step on the team bench, take away his X-box and make him play for England as penance.”

Mrs Suarez is also thinking of bringing him a big spliff of Jamaican gold now that Uruguay has legalised the demon weed. “Maybe that’ll settle the boy down,” she said somewhat dreamily as she listened to a Grateful Dead track.

FIFA, the World Cup ruling body, is to take instant action.

Once bosses at FIFA HQ clear all members of bribing anyone and give the final OK to basing the 2022 in the desert kingdom of Qatar in the summer and give instant approval to Septic Bladder to be president until the year 3454, it will investigate Suarez’s contention that Chiellini rammed his neck into Suarez’s mouth and shouted: “Bite me hard, you big baby.”

Bill, a Geordie geologist and Sunderland fan added: “Looey the Tooth must learn not to bite. It is a bad thing to do and he won’t have friends in Liverpool…or Rome…or wherever he will earn too much money running around in shorts hitting balls into the back of a net instead of having a real job.”