Trump wins Peoples’ Person of the Year Award

Prez tops big poll, writes our White House tipster Sir Harvey Elston (DOA).

Donald J. Trump last night won 2020’s prestigious Peoples’ Person of the Year award by a world-beating unanimous vote, (writes Sir Herbert).

At a celebrity-filled Capital Hill venue, attended by Kanye West, Jared Kushner and a bunch of crooks he pardoned, the prez took top prize in the poll. Judges pointed to his “…unerring ability to lie and cheat and deceive and keep readership numbers up, advertising rates high, TV viewing buoyant and social media platforms alive…”

“His achievements in the past thirteen months of the calendar year show he is the man most of us admire,” said panel judge, Kenshaw Mountain Landis. Other top panellists were gleaned from senior golfers at The Camp David 18 hole Donald Trump Leisure Centre and Massage Parlour in downtown Bristow, Virginia. 

“We don’t like the bastard. But he sells news,” a senior media boss told the glitzy audience of dubious businessmen, lizard-eyed rednecks and twelve year old zombies who don’t know how to read and chew gum at the same time.

Top panellists

The prez beat other shortlisted contenders including: Mike Pence (the mannequin usually standing behind him), Kim Jong-un (N. Korea’s top selling hair stylist) and a large host of Michigan residents dressed in khaki camouflage netting and packing sub-machine guns to protect America.

Top reasons why The Don grabbed the accolade include:

  • Losing the US election
  • Winning the US election
  • Losing the US election but saying he won the US election
  • Losing the US election but saying he won the US election but knowing he lost the US election 
  • Having seventeen of his nineteen polling lawsuits chucked out by judges
  • Picking, as part of his legal team, someone called Sidney Powell who said the Georgia vote was controlled by a cabal including Cuba, China, Venezuela and, crucially, Venezuela’s chief boss Huge Chavez who has been dead for seven years
  • Becoming a United Nations world ambassador for fairtrade children’s furniture
  • Mixing up Thailand with someplace called Thigh-land (sic)
  • Completing the Wall
  • Not completing the Wall
  • Promising Covid “will disappear”
  • Promising he will disappear 

President Trump, who is to be crowbarred out of The White House by January 20th, will take away as his main prize a Golden Getaway Dream Holiday at the Costa Va-va-voom Country Club which one of his bankrupt offshore Cayman island shell companies (Stormy D’s Investment Inc) runs to raise funds for the Donald J. Trump Charity for Sick Kids with its main headquarters in the basement of a Ramada Inn on the outskirts of Putinville, Russia

Last night a Kremlin spokesthing said: “Let us make this completely clear. Comrade Trump is not and never has been a card carrying…..” (continued p37)


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