Sir Howard Elston, our community affairs editor, lifts the lid on local social media groups.

Sir Howard writes: Last night more than more 400,000 pages of secret files were stuffed through my letterbox. They contained a mountain of information concerning messages on social media interweb sites. They’d been passed to me by a confidential joint CIA/GCHQ operation. What follows is indicative of the high level material recorded:

 

Sarah: Hi, want to help organise a volunteer yoga army to clean gardens?

Henry: I only do Pilates. Can I join?

Sarah: I’ll check with Myra. she’s our kundalini yoga Gauleiter 

Alex: some dead crappy gardens up near the newsagents

Chaz: I’ve checked yours, mate. Too many kebab boxes in the shrubs

Alex: as opposed to those rotting window boxes at yr place 

Alex has left the group.

Georgie: How about helping the old?

Steve: I would. But I’m 71

Sarah: Do you want to help the f””::in neighbourhood or not during the crisis?

Riz: Hey, language girl, language…

Sarah has left the group

Edna: I’m 87. Anyone want to walk my black Lab. She’s called Tushie.

Frank: Soz. Only do cute dogs

Chloe: y’mean the ones that yap all the time and drive the neighbourhood crazy?

Edna: I’m 87. Anyone want to walk my black Lab. She’s called Tushie

Dik: I think we have to be more inclusive. And I say that as a practising agnostic Christian and Villa supporter

Chaz: I can feel your religious values. But The Villa?

Dik: And wheres the Blues this season, eh? U r a working class snob

Chaz: How can you say that !!!!!!!!!!!

Mags: watch it, your keyboard will run out of exclamation marks!!!!

Chaz: here, have some for free: !!!!!!!

Chaz has left the group

Jim: my Sal, I think this is a DM, not sure tho. We need to talk. Meet the usual  spot? 

Sal: it’s not DM & I don’t  know who you are, Jim

Jim and Sal have left the group

Edna: I’m 87. Anyone want to walk my black Lab. She’s called Tushie.

Carol M: Im up to Costcutters, they got tinned tomatoes

Alice: Costcutters.  Bloody hell

Carol M: snob

Alice has left the group

Frank: If at Costtthingy, can you pop up to M&S for a some of their organic chocolate? I’ll clean that crappy garden of yours with the broken fence

Riz: hey, if you pass Waitrose, I need black rice

Liz: Anyone see my Audi? It was in my drive last night 

Ellie: Liz, you live on Cartland Road. That’s not our neighbourhood. Take a hike 

Liz: Bitch

Mark: ditto 

Liz, Riz, Mark, the Other Mark, Frank, Dik, Chloe, Alice and Mags have left the group

Edna: I’m 87. Anyone want to walk my black Lab. She’s called Tushie.