From our royal reporter Miles Kastendieck.
This news flash crossed our news desk this evening and delivers crucial developments in the almost unique US/UK links (writes Miles Kastendieck)°
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, I hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty (me) will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except New Jersey, which I nor anyone else fancies).
Your new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor General for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’ ‘favour’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up ‘vocabulary’).
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’ The monetary “check” is now “cheque” as of now.
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will celebrate my two birthdays: April 21st and my official birthday, which is the second Saturday in June (yes, really).
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent.
Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry said culinary item in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. “Meters” are “metres” as of now.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Deal with it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup (NOT ketchup) but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British bitter will be referred to as beer and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. South African beer is also acceptable as it is J. The Commonwealth. American beer brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Goat Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater. Same for Dick van Dyke as a weird cockney in Mary Poppins.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket- it is that simple.
13. You must tell us who killed Tupac. It’s been driving me mad.
14. An HMRC agent (tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.
15. Teatime begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen! (Me)