The Elston Report: Trump trip triggers trouble




Sir Howard Elston, our Mid East correspondent, outlines what will happen when Doughball Trump lands in Saudi Arabia for his first summit.

Saudi Arabian democratically elected despots will be told by Prez Trump that the Royal House of Saud is not welcome in America if it ever sets foot in the States,(writes Sir Howard Elston).

He will signal the hardline edict, which he guaranteed during his faultless election campaign, when he sits his fat arse down at a Mid East summit between Hisself and Islamic leaders from around the globe, I was told at a late night, hush hush, 1-2-1, in camera, behind closed doors, confidential knees-up around a hookah pipe and loads of tea in downtown Riyadh last night.

It is Donnie’s first trip abroad as Yank boss and he will tell the Muslim democratically elected bosses: “I said we’d bring down the barricades on the whole of the Islamic world until we figured out this terror thing. And it starts with Saudi Arabia kingpins like youse,” he will say in a carefully prepared and diplomatic statement.

“Like, you’re outta here when it comes to The Border Agency. I mean like totally outta here,” he opined.


Summit meetings are planned between Mr. Trump and democratically elected King Salman and his brother Alec Salmon of Scotland; between Mr. Trump, noted statesman Rupert Murdoch and the leaders of the democratically elected Gulf coalition; and, between Mr. Trump and noted democrat Steve Bannon and members of the totally independent Saudi media. 

Mr Trump will also visit a whip factory, a manacle processing unit and a prison holding 500,000 political prisoners.

“Democratically elected Saudis are the good guys and Iranios are the baddies,” said a Trump spokes-thing. “Like, it’s written in the Bible or something.”

Trump’s trip comes amid momentous shock wave stories about the presidency. It’s alleged he tried to cover up his links with power-mad Russia, that he is fat and juvenile and, most damaging, that he has an interesting interest in  his daughter Ina..Ikav…Ivkan…what’s her name.

Phil, a Yorkshire-based VW emissions expert and noted Trump-watcher commented: “Big Don may be El Grande Don de cappa de tutti when it comes to the western world. But he’s a pudgy pygmy when it comes to the machinations of the democratically elected Mid East power brokers. He’ll have a tough time.”

“Unless of course,” added Phil, “he comes with guns to sell or oil to buy.”