Trump’s Olympic bid to fight terror



Sir Howard Elston, winner of the Alex Rodriguez award for Peace and Understanding, reports from Brazil’s Copacabana shoreline on Donald’s latest idea.

As I sit on my verandah overlooking a multi-sex nude beach volleyball tournament here  in Rio de Thingy (writes Sir Howard), I can reveal Trumpy’s newest idea.

Hs told me over a hamburger cocktail last night in a downtown all night cosmetic surgery waiting room: “I will buy the next Olympics and include Extreme Vetting as a sport in both the winter and summer games.”

He went on (and on and on and on and….): “The new sport will include top class security questions that must be answered in our American language and will include tricky trickster queries such as:

‘Are you a killer?’

‘Have you been or are thinking of being Bar Mitvahed in a Hilton?’

‘Do you espouse American values such as walking into a grocery store and buying a semi automatic?’.”

Trumpie fans go ape as they learn of the extreme vetting plan

Trumpie fans go ape as they learn of the extreme vetting plan

Mr Trump then added as he swept back his blond (ish) locks: “I want to stop immigrants from countries that include terror cells. And that includes France, Belgium, Germany and Britain.

“They have to learn our ways. Or else I will ban Netflix, HBO, the Super Bowl and Krispie Kreme doughnuts (including double chocolate) from their blighted lands. We have to make the US as American as it can be in an American way.”

Mr Trump said the Extreme Vetting contest, which will be open to men, women and white supremacists from North Dakota, should be part of the Olympic extravaganza by 2020. Winners will receive immediate visas and signed pictures of Mr Trump with all his wives.

Phil, a Trumpwatcher from way back and a noted second-hand car dealer from someplace stupid in the North of England commented: “Extreme vetting must be open to all if it is to prove a sporting success. It just can’t be for suspected terrorists. I say open it to anyone who can speak real American and whose knuckles don’t drag in the dust.”