Putin to switch on Christmas Lights

Steve Beauchampe with an exclusive.

Russian President Vladimir Putin is to switch on this year’s Christmas Lights in Oxford Street.

The announcement follows the blossoming spirit of détente between Britain and Russia at the recent G20 summit in Turkey. In just the latest of his confusing u-turns over the war in Syria, Prime Minister David Cameron announced that: “Russia are the good guys after all, well at least since last Friday evening, Ras – that’s my nickname for him – is a man I can do business with, so maybe we can sell him some weapons or help him run a jail.”

Following the festive switch on President Putin will drop by for a meal in Downing Street, with Cameron adding: “When I told him it’d be chicken kiev he said, ‘Mmm, kiev, I’d love to have that’.”

In return for the festive invite, the Prime Minister and his wife Samantha will get a free holiday next summer in a Black Sea dacha in Crimea, an offer believed to have been prompted after Sam Cam told Putin that she liked the look of his Urals.

Putin’s visit slots nicely into a gap between those of Robert Mugabe and Kim Jong-un in an unprecedented run of official visits to Britain this autumn by the world’s most senior despots. And in a step that should sooth the Prime Minister’s frustration at failing to secure parliamentary backing for direct British military intervention in Syria, the Kremlin has agreed that hawkish Tory MPs (ie most of them) will visit Russian military headquarters to personally select Islamic State targets for the Russian air force to attack:

“There’s a replica button they can press at the exact moment that the pilot releases the real bomb, so it’ll feel just like they’re personally carrying out the attack.” beamed Cameron, adding: “I’ve promised that the MP who scores most kills is made Defence Secretary in my next Cabinet reshuffle.”