COBRA cancels Christmas in ISIS crisis.
Crazed Jihadis have devised a secret plot to carry out Christmas carnage by disguising themselves as Santa Claus and taking jobs in shopping centre and department store grottos.
The sick plot, masterminded by Islamic State will see the jolly costumed extremists handing out free gifts to gullible children whilst telling them: “Now kiddies, place this parcel under the tree at home and don’t open it until Christmas Day or Santa won’t bring you any more presents Inshallah.” When the excited youngsters tear into the gifts on Christmas morning they will detonate bombs concealed inside, with the explosions expected to wipe out entire hard working British families at a stroke.
Orchestrated from IS headquarters in Raqqa, the Jihadi madmen are believed to have been dying their beards white in readiness for the plot, described last night by experts as “fiendish”. Some could be operating as Father Christmas’ already, raising fears that it might be too late to prevent the danger gifts from reaching the hands of innocent children.
Prime Minister David Cameron last night called an emergency meeting of COBRA, the government’s crisis response committee, following which he announced the immediate closure of all grottos and shopping centres as well as the cancellation of Christmas Day family gatherings involving children. Speaking from behind a hastily erected lectern in Downing Street the Prime Minister last night pledged: “We are determined not to allow the terrorists to alter our great British way of life and Christmas customs. If we do then they will have won.”
A senior Scotland Yard spokesman added: “There’s never a right time to target children, but doing so at Christmas is particularly irresponsible. This plot is so heinous that you just couldn’t make it up.”
There have also been calls for sales of the ever-popular traditional yuletide feast of Brussels sprouts to be halted lest they have been pumped with poison by ISIL baddies. The city from which the food derives its name is Daish’s European stronghold and the group successfully controlled much of it last weekend without even leaving home or actually doing anything at all.
Meanwhile Buckingham Palace has declared that the Queen will this year deliver her Christmas message entirely in French and without subtitles in a show of solidarity in light of the recent Paris terror attacks which were carried out by Islamic State in the Levant. Following this she and the Duke of Edinburgh will sing Les Marseilles, with Prince William accompanying them on accordion.
And the Prime Minister announced that his wife Samantha would also be joining in with the entente cordial: “Samantha usually gives each member of the Cabinet a very light peck on the cheek at the end of the No. 10 Christmas Party, but this year she’ll be giving them all a French kiss instead.”