By Howard Elston, our man in the Mid East (of Norfolk)

Current violence in Iraq is being callously mis-interpreted by western corrupt media, sources have revealed as I sit in my Premier Inn Mega Suite in downtown Baghdad sipping an Irn-Bru lite and eating my ginger snaps.

The massing of insurgents is simply caused by the final call for the late entry of a combined Taliban/Al Queda football squad who will be flying to Brazil as we speak to take on Italy, Cost Rica and Germany in the World Cup.

Sepp Bladder, the Cup boss who knows nothing about bribery and seedy backhanders despite being top dog of FIFA since 1937, told me over the phone: “England as usual is telling lies in its newspapers. We have simply asked the Caliphate in what was once Syria and Iraq to join the international community in a footie-fest.”

Taliban strikers

“They have great potential. The team will strike from both wings and use IED explosives in midfield as their hidden strength. And they should do well in the Amazon heat with those crrrr-aaa-zee tres chic guerrilla outfits.”

Phil, a used car dealer from downtown Yorkshire in Enger-land who is also a Mid East football expert commented in his cute northern accent:“Correct blimey, you great big girl’s blouse. The Taliban have a great chance to make the second round now that world football bosses haven’t bribed them to play.

“And while you’re here, check out my cut price Hummers left in a junk pile outside Tikrit. They come with their own sat drones.”