Howard Elston (DOA) grabs the first interview with FIFA boss Sepp Blatter following the World Cup bribe sensation.

SIR HOWARD ELSTON: Mr Bladder, so nice for you to sit down, stuff your face on this website’s buffet of bagels and cream cheese and bad coffee as you contemplate the latest allegations.

SEPP BLATTER: I know nothing. I was only following orders. England are bad losers.

HE: But it is alleged that your FIFA organisation, which you have run as a private fiefdom for 16 years was ridden with backhanders.

SB: England are bad losers and your press is a lackey peddling garbage. I know nothing about what goes on in my organisation. After all, I have only been president for a decade and a half.

HE: It’s reported that £3 million…that’s $5 million…has been handed out to nations to back the cur-aaa-zee decision to site the 2022 World Cup in a desert in mid-summer.

SB: I know nothing. England are bad losers.

HE: Will you be taking a close interest in whether this fellow Mohammed Bin Hammam, who has twice been thrown out of the FIFA boardroom for bribe allegations, is part of a slush fund operation?

SB: Yes. But I am on holiday until 2021. Until then, we have the joy of putting the 2018 tournament in democracy-loving Russia.

HE: But..

SB: England are such bad losers. And…one more impertinent question and you’ll be flying home from Brazil on Amazon-lite Airways.

HE: Septic Bladder, thanks from all our readers.

SB: Send my fee for this interview to my Qatari office.