Our sport editor, Sir Howard Elston, reveals just who will play for Enger-land for tonight’s crucial, critical, all important match against Uruguay

Ed Miliband will start for England tonight in the do or die, crucial-critical hit ’em in the goolies crunch match thing in the World Cup.

Fast Eddie, as he is known to his teammates, will be given the role of stopping Uruguay’s star Luis Suarez to ensure John Bull brings home the bacon.

Fast Eddie

England boss Roy Hodgthing said: “Eddie is a natural to put the brakes on Suarez. He has put out a white non-racist paper setting out his main points and where Labour, the welfare state and the team’s defensive infrastructure will be not only tonight but in 2015, 2022 and critically and crucially in 2030 when the high speed train will be up and running past my Chilterns home.”

Ed was in training today and could not be reached. But with his Oxford apprenticeship in PPE and dribbling, he surely will make no mistake in Brazil.

Cammo: Will start for Uruguay

Phil from Leeds, who runs a well known helicopter sales agency and is a keen football observer added over a bovril cocktail: “I can reveal that Tory snobs Cameron and Klegg have tried to sell our sceptred island (not including Scotland or Wales) down the Amazon and will be playing in the Uruguayan front line- that’s what you get from a right wing coalition in the sainted world of sport.

“By the way, my helicopters are going fast. They’re flying off the forecourt.”