HOWARD ELSTON REPORTS ON THE LATEST UK ELECTIONS AND NIGEL FARRAGO’S RIGHT WING RISE TO ULTIMO-POWER

Nigel Farage told me in an exclusive interview tonight over warm beer and a bowl of cheese and onion Dorritos about his party’s ” most extraordinary result” in British politics in the past century.

‘It’s amazing that the great British public are so bloody thick that they voted for UKIP.’ he opined.  ‘It’s a hurricane of backing to allow me and my fellow nutcases to go back to the EU chambers on taxpayers’ money to harangue everyone how we should get out of Europe and keep the scrounging immigrants out of our island where they do all the jobs a lot of us won’t do.”

Speaking frankly after 238 UKIP candidates were swept to power to Strasbourg, he added: “Anyone who can’t list all minor county cricket teams or cite Oswald Mosley’s middle name will be sent packing back to Bucharest.”

“And one more thing, with the great British summer now upon us (except in Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales), once we get rid of the foreigners, we’ll bask in the warmth of English sun…forever.

“And that’s a UKIP promise.”

Mr Farrago also saw his loony bin colleagues grab seats in all cities except London and Birmingham, where voters can still write in joinedy-up script and don’t scrape their knuckles in the ground. “As for our new council members, except for Birmingham and London which is full of commie scroungers,” he added,  “we will re introduce flogging and branding for all foreign criminals and re-introduce in  our schools, which will be privatised, caning and corporal punishment to a be carried out by a UKIP councillor of their choice.”

Farrago

Farrago’s victories came as a rude shock for Kolonel Klegg of the Libdumbs. No one voted for them, including Klegg. “I am amazed we lost so many supporters.’ he said in shock.’One minute we had 17% of the electorate. Then we betray them and side with the Tories and lose every last one of ’em.
How did that happen?”

David Cameron, leader of what is left of England added from his Oxfordshire redoubt next to his neighbour Rebecca Brookes: “The voters have decided. They hate us. But that’s OK. We hated them anyway. So we’re even. Tomorrow, after I press my stone washed jeans, my team and I begin the re-building of Britain. I will talk to the White House and see what the Americans want us to do.”

Phil, a second hand car dealer from Leeds and a dab hand at political commentating, did a comment-y type of thing and surmised: “The battle lines have been drawn. But I have to say that after reviewing the poll of polls, a frozen cinnamon bagel has more political acumen than our Nigel.  Maybe that’s why Britain loves the guy.”