Howard: At The Oscars

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Our entertainment editor Sir Howard Elston is on the red carpet in Hollywoodtownville for the Academy Awards for Outstanding Contributions to Going to the Movies.

Hello from Los Angeles where I can now give you the big winners, in this the 864th year that the Academy Awards have been transmitted live on Fox, and Sky and all Murdochtv High Court franchises.

Best Film:  12 Years a Thug. A lunatic Russian megalomaniac invades the Ukraine,  laughs in the face of the West and takes over a neighbouring country in the name of freedom.

Best Actor: MIchael O’Connaughoshaunessy: Hawk-faced star plays Texas junkie cum Wall Street billionaire cum lawyer in the back of a Lincoln as he struggles to spell his name.

Best director: Steve McQueen: Doncha just love him in Bullit and The Magnificent 7?

Best actress: Blue Blanchett: Outstanding role created by a man who married his step daughter and was once funny.



Best score: Crimea A River. Lunatic Russian megalomaniac invades the Ukraine and laughs in the face of the West.

Best Oscar: Bladerunner: Disabled athlete re creates the OJ Simpson  role from 20 years ago. Also live tx on Sky and Fox and all Murdochtv franchises.

Best sleb: Bono: Rock star with a handkerchief wrapped around his head spouts inanities into any microphone within spitting distance.

Best Brit film: Chariots of Cameron: A lonely Etonian realises his destiny in being the Prime Minister who lost Scotlandland and saw the UK break up after 307 years. Starring Jeremy Clarkbottom, Becks and Sienna Italy.