HOWARD ELSTON exclusively reports on how the embattled police will be punished over the alleged lies in the infamous Andrew Mitchell case.

Dateline: London, UK-land

Hello readers and I can reveal today how the government will finally put the Plebgate case to rest and get to the truth of  whether MP Andrew ‘Nice Guy” Mitchell was set up by the boys in blue.

To recap in case you were vacationing on Mars with a drink in your hand for the past year: Police alleged that Andy, a posh Cabinet insider at Downing St, called local policemen ‘Plebs” and then turned into a Freddie Foulmouth by using the F- word.

Shame, that.

Then ensued a testy he-said, she said handbags at ten paces row debacle situation with serious allegations that the cops were a bit economical with the truth.

No, really, our bobbies lying  and deceiving? No way, Jose

Now, the government is taking steps. The three police officers in the middle of this will be publicly tasered  with electronic guns later this week until they cough to what they did or did not do.

Bleachers are being built outside Downing Street as we speak by hordes of volunteers from Eton, Oxford, The Bullingdon Club and the executive of the Cotswold Pony and Gymkhana Club.

A policeman

A Cabinet insider told me over G&Ts and kebabs: ‘Dave is supermega against capital punishment and even hanging. But a jolt of electro-juice from  6 billion volts of  taser can’t really do any harm. It’s what Robert Peel would’ve wanted when he set up the p0lice service in the 1800’s.’

‘Let’s get to the truth’ he told me with tears in his gimlet eyes, ‘so Our Andrew can return to government with a clear name and able to once again bully both backbenchers and the hoi-poloi he represents and looks down upon.’

Legal boffin Bobbi Jane from East Ayrshire, who also runs a vegan cafe, commented: ‘Tasers are dangerous and should be used by only senior officers who belong to the Masons. Pass  yon haggis  bhajis and ketchup please….’

Twitter: @sirhowardelston