HOWARD: I Reveal Secret Restrictions on Syria Air Strike

Howard Elson reports


by Sir  Howard Elston (DOA), our international editor at large

American law makers have backed US Prez Barack OBomber to fire missiles at Syria- but with strict limitations.

After hush-hush top secret confidential late night jawjaw with my Washington contacts, which includes Ralph the taxi driver from the airport to my deluxe Howard Johnson Motor Lodge suite (with mega flatscreen), details have been revealed to me:

They include:

  • the action will be over by October…2018. Maybe.
  • No boots on Syrian ground- only penny loafers or a good brown Oxford dress shoe
  • Chemical weapons to be banned but drones  killer attack planes and  agreed terminal rendition allowed as per the US ethical parameters set down in the Iraq war
  • No mention of Gareth Bale until after Thanksgiving
  • The UK, under no circumstances, is to be mentioned in any communiques
  • Officially, the US’s best pal is France and all military personnel  linked with the launches will smoke Gitane and wear grubby raincoats
  • Henry  Kissinger will be interviewed on all media on the hour every day for the next six months

Secretary of State John Kerry said: ‘These are very clear restrictions that the cheese eating surrender monkey Brits can’t argue with.’

‘But more to the point,  is it true I look like Sam Malone, the bartender in Cheers?’

Russian hardman Vlad Putin added: ‘We are appalled that our peace-loving  allies, the Syrian regime, is being targeted and our chemical weapon export drive, so successful in many poor countries, may be thwarted.’

‘But, then again, there’s always North Korea…’

Phil, a diplomatic expert and owner of a famous used car dealership in West Yorkshire commented: ‘Syria being nuked? There goes the winter hols in Damascus for me and the good lady wife.’