Our sports reporter Howard Elston (DOA) returns from his enforced stay in an Iowa penal institution to give us the latest shockeroo  of the year.

Arsenal has reacted aggressively in the transfer market by making a last minute bid for ex- Labour supremo Dave Miliband.

The former Foreign Minister and fitness fit backbencher had hinted he may opt for a New York club.

But Arsenal has thrown its deflated football into the ring for an unknown sum.

Arsehole Wenger, the club’s boss, said to me over a cup of bovril and a chaser of Dom Perignon: ‘Dave is a world class team player and showed his true mettle by four times backing out of sticking the knife into chief defender Gordie McBrown.

‘He is the Hamlet of the Premiership and will be a great boon to our club as the thinking man’s crumpet on the pitch.’

Dave would not comment. But last week, at a secret training field not a billion miles from his swish Islington pad, he lightly touched that funny silver patch in his hair, showed us his nicely capped teeth, fondled a 1968 photo of Leyton Orient players and told me: ‘I’m a team player and London working class blue collar type of guy.’

‘Now that my brother Eddie is captain on the Labour first team,  it is time for me to put on the old boots for someone else.’

Arsenal would not comment. But football fan Phil, who runs a successful teeth whitening business in Roundhay told this news-site: ‘Dave is a winner and can’t stay on the bench. The Gunners move for him makes sense.

‘And,’  he added with a flash of the pearlies:  ‘I am doing 2-41 deals on bicuspids and back molars. Remember, a bright smile is a tight smile Look at the work I did for Mr David.’