Hardman Clegg

Our diplomatic editor Sir Howard Elston reveals The Big Scoop for 2012

Coalition hardman Nick Clegg today made a dramatic bid for power when he secretly signed on as North Korea’s deputy leader, it is understood.

He is to become Number Two in the Pyongyang dynasty under chubby panda-like boss Kim Jong Un.

Nick, resplendent in a new yellow holiday tie,  told me: ‘The North Korean government segues into our party manifesto.’

‘After all, and let me make this perfectly clear, it is technically The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. And we are the Liberal Democrats, so we share values and have similiar names.’

‘Also, North Korea has always withstood the introduction of tuition fees and has stood for a strong defence of its internal security. I mean, you just don’t see urban riots there like we do here. Pyongyang is really  nice and quiet.’

Nick, who speaks fluent North Korean, has already held talks in an undisclosed Central Asian capital with Kim Jong Un’s senior aides.

He went on: ‘The Libdem manifesto is very clear: a promise for public pension power, a fair chance for jobs and a fair chance that we spray mid-range missiles on disputed islands.’

And he added: ‘My party is like a little child looking for a strong daddy. First we went to Gordon Brown but he was scary. Then we went with Dave but he always said he would tell us a bedtime story…but never did because he was too busy.’

‘So now with the North Koreans we can see ourselves being hugged every night by a leader that loves and values us.’

‘It’s the natural Libdem way.’

Analysts were quick to respond.

Phil, a second hand car dealer from Leeds and a Far Eastern expert because he eats in the Chinese quarter of that proud Yorkshire city said: ‘Nick’s once again scored a big goal in the game of life. He will add muscle to a flailing hardline Pyongyang regime.’

‘He’s a tough guy.’

*Phil is doing great deals for 2012 on low mileage Fiats. They all come with a six CD music rack and surroundo-sound