Heading for the NHS?

Our Diplomatic editor  Howard Elston with a shock decision by Whitehall mandarins that will rock our health service.

Top Whitehall mandarins have picked The Butcher of Bosnia Ratko Mladic as Number One choice for the new job of NHS supremo, Westminster sources have told me.

The ballbusting Serbian thug is out of work but still raring to go with his unique managerial style, according to top bods who know what’s really happening on the hot line between health chiefs and number 10.

He may be a facing charges as a mass killer. But he’s innocent until proven guilty, say our legal team, and that’s OK when it comes to keeping the NHS safe from people who want to tear down the crown jewel of our state, say insiders ‘And he has what it takes to lead it into the private sector,’ Permanent Secretary Sir Roger Maris told me over Merlot and nibbles in a quiet Westminster pub.

‘Not only has he big style leadership skills and management flair for the hard decisions. But,’ said Sir Roger as he grabbed for the salted peanuts, ‘he has had a stroke or two recently and we can fix him up quite well in his off hours.’

‘Our only concern’ he went on, ‘is his Bosnian Serb name. Maybe he can change it to  Rod Miller or something to soften this ethnic thing. It just doesn’t sound EU enough.’

‘And  something has to be done about his weight. You can’t run the NHS looking like a tired fat old fascist killer.’

Mladic is on the his way to The Hague for war crimes. But that can be sorted out, Maris thought. ‘One of two strings get pulled. Maybe I can have a word with Sepp Blatter or someone else like  Simon Cowell or Giggsie and, bang, The Serb can ease himself under the NHS desk quite easily.’

His first job is to sort out GP funding. And the second is to figure out staff parking at Selly Oak Hospital.

‘After that, he can start thinking about waiting lists and internal marketing.’ Sir Roger added.