Sir Howard Elston, braving constant onslaughts from the White House, has an exclusive sitdown with The Prez about his new Oval Office press boss.
I am sitting on the front lawn of the White House here in downtown Washington watching the saliva dripping troglodyte Trump supporters line up to kiss his fat arse as I go over my notes. I have just had a hush-hush, 1-2-1, off the record interview with the Man in the Blond Wig.
Of course, I ripped up the previous questions cue cards as his new henchman Tony ‘Toiletmouth’ Scaramucci went to town vulgarly dissing all his new pals in the Oval Office and the nose to nose presidential chat ran a new course, me being a top hack and all.
The president, eating a triple cheeseburger and speedreading the latest edition of Hot Girls of Wyoming, told me sotto voce as he slurped a raspberry and vanilla slush: “Like I got every piece of respect for my new press director. He knows how to say things right.”
“Like calling your chief of staff Reince Priebus a f***king schizophrenic?” I opined.
“He was being candid about a dude with a name that sounds like a neurological condition anyhoo. What’s the problem?” he retorted mid bite on a chocolate covered corn dog.
“And inferring that your chief strategist Steve Bannon liked to s*ck his own c*ck?” I opined once again as I advised my chief sub editor to put fancy asterisks over the naughty words.
“Who knows? Maybe he does like that kind of kinky stuff. After all , the dude was in the Navy.”
The Prez (seen left, as his wig departed a press facility occasion) added that hiring Scaramucci was the best thing he did since basting himself in melted butter and spending a night in Studio 54 back in the eighties dressed as a used condom.
Meanwhile, Tony the Toilet today said he wanted to “f***king kill the leakers in the White House…” which at this rate would add up to mass murder if all employees of Trump were outed as passing info to the fake news media.
Toiletmouth tweeted: “Sometimes, I use colourful language. I shall refrain from f***cking doing this sh*t anymore even though I am a fuck**g middle class normal kind of fu***ing guy from Queens just like Lord Trump.”
White House expert Phil from the Yorkshire village of Scumbag on the Moors added “In commedia d’arte productions from 17th century Italy, the character Scaramouche was a cowardly squirming little creep who got beaten up all the time by Harlequin the clown.
“I rest my motherf@&&£&**ing case, your f***cking honour.”