Sir Howard Elston, confidante of the stars, replies to all queries from our valued readers.

Today: Why has Lord Rupe the Snoop Murdoch hired totally innocent Rebekah Brooks (nee Wade), found totally innocent of everything?

Q: Sue from Redditch asks: What job will totally innocent Ms Brooks have with Mr Murdoch?

Sir Howard: As she was found totally not guilty of criminal charges relating to corruption and phone hacking while boss of his papers, she knows where the bodies lie. She is valuable. And you keep your secrets close to you- and pay well for this.

Q: Mo from West Bromwich: Is Sir Roop in love with her?

Sir Howard: No, what a weird question, Mo. Murdoch is 108 and looks like a desiccated turtle. She is a flamed-haired temptress half his age who is innocent (of all charges) and also knows where the bodies are buried. She will be his hired gun at, it is said, his Dublin-based website called Storyful which sources news stories, gossip and social media garbage for people witless enough to want more crap spewing from their digi-junk.

King Roop

Q: Bill from Monterey asks: What skills does Ms Brooks-Wade bring to the table?

Sir Howard: There are twin thoughts here, Master Bill. One train of thought is she was such a brainless editor while at the grubby Sun and even grubbier News of the World, that she didn’t know her reptiles were stealing information on hacked phones and were paying off cops. The second train of thought is she was so good that she is innocent of all charges. It’s one or the other.

Q: Alice from Sydney ponders: Will they get married? I mean, he is obviously besotted with her…

Sir Howard: God, you people can’t let it lie. We went over that. The 108 year old old sees in her a keen intelligence that he admires. And he always knew she was innocent of all charges even though all her hacks were devious slobbering vermin out to cheat and lie to get a story (sic)…

Tomorrow: Sir Howard responds to our bulging mailbag on how the chair of the BBC Trust can trouser £500,000pa from the bosses at HSBC- the bank that likes to say theft.

@sirhowardelston