HOWARD ELSTON,  our internationally renowned political reporter, is in Northern  Ireland on the number 23 bus following the G8 conference. Here is his biased report

G8 leaders today  have much to congratulate themselves after a resounding thumbs-up over a decade of success from the world’s big economies, I can reveal.

After copious research by my team who lifted  everything from Wikipaedia, here is a comprehensive list that highlights  for the first time how G8 has the inside track on success

* Iraq/Afghanistan: After untold deaths, torture sessions and illegal imprisonments, the G8 leaders agree that the two conflicts have been resolved: Iraq will descend into daily sectarian bombings and Afghanistan will return to normal with a medieval Taliban force taking over.

* The Banks: Leaders thrashed out the finances of the world in the wake of the bank implosion and can pat themselves on the back for allowing greedy theiving financiers for bilking the public and robbing the little man while stuffiung cash into their trousers.’It’s back to normal.’  UK finance chief Charles Osborne told me in a late night session of Baby Sham and Cheese doodles.

* Tax avoidance: G8 has always taken a hardline on international money being stored in tricky places. Now the Isle of Man, the Caymans and the British Virgin Islands will be thrown out of G8- which is hard because they don’t belong to it.

*Climate Control: Big hitters at Loch Erne enjoyed the sunny intervals because it is about to blast us with 1000C of heat thanks to a  giant  hole ripped in the stratosphere caused by out of control fuel bosses who have bullied governments since oil leaked out of an Ohio cornfield ion 1851.

* Syria: Putin and Obama disagree with Cameron whimpering in the background. But a deal has been brokered. Chemical weapons can be used on both sides- and guess where these filthy weapons originate from?

*Helping the Poor:  Errr…ummmm..yes, well……yeah, the poor……..

*Political Kickbacks: The UK has led the way to outlaw all democratically elected representatives from ever taking a red penny from dicey  lobbyists upon pain of death, sequestering of all private assets and slapping an electronic tag on their fat ankles.The seven other nations are following suit.

As a correspondent who has reported on international affairs ever since my first freebie at a Happy Eater where I was offered a cheeseburger and a diet lemonade, I think I can lead the way in taking my hat off to all the G8 top brass in their selfless efforts  to improve our world.

*This website in no way associates itself with any views, opinions or assumptions written by Mr Elston (DOA), our lawyers have said to us in no uncertain terms.