HOWARD ELSTON, our senior acting deputy  international editor, explains how a new Cameron referendum will help Britain (well, maybe)

Sources deep within Whitehall have revealed to me exclusively how David Cameron (England, PM, MP) will hold a referendum on whether immigrants should be sent to Romania and Bulgaria  once these two countries join the EU.

With his Conservative Party split on Europe, Mr David (Bullingdon, horsey-type) has told me confidentially and  secretly in a hush hush interview   that he wants Britain to decide what happens to non nationals who enter ‘our green and pleasant shopping centres and private clubs…’ once transitional nations become part of the Brussels  gravy train.

‘I want to put the Great back into our nation’  he confided. ‘I want this  to become Great England once again.’

‘A return to Great England’

He said, over nibbles and vodka shots in an Isleworth Wetherspoons pub  that the two new EU  ‘brother nations’ are perfect places to transit our overloaded immigration culture.

‘Our overseas visitors won’t have to lounge around in black leather jackets on street corners, clean our hospitals, drive our buses or fix our guttering anymore.’

‘They can enjoy life in Bulmania and Romgaria. There, they can have aspirations  like all us normal folks with homes in the Cotswolds, overseas tax avoiding accounts and horses for the kids.’

‘I am carrying out this referendum so they can live a happy life which  they can attain   in  Transylvania  or downtown Bucharest where they can become fully fledged Europeans.’

Balkan expert Olivia Manning said: ‘Romania and Bulgaria are delightful places and the illegal UK immigrants will love the ski-ing, music and Dracula theme parks.’

Labour boss Ed Miliband added: ‘I would have done this anyway as part of party policy. It was one our five promises on our election pledge cards back in ’97.’

The  referendum will take place in 2032 when a lot of the politicians will be  dead, retired or senile.