Because I know from experience that it’s impossible to get decent coverage in such circumstances I asked my mate Greg to text me a running commentary. If you’re interested, these were his thoughts on how it all unfolded.

1pm: “Mings out. Captain Undroppable still there. Gerrard’s mate’s in and Watkins and Ings are up front.”

1.30pm “Rumours that Mings is either ill or about to be sold. Everybody knows somebody who knows somebody.”

1.50pm: “Doesn’t look much improvement in the catering situation.”

2pm: “Here we go…”

“Good start. We look threatening ”

“Goal disallowed. Good corner but the ball went out first.”

“We’re doing well but the two up front can’t play together.”

2.50pm: “We looked good. Let’s see what happens at half-time. He needs to get Ings off and put Bailey out wide.”

“The queue for beer is like the last helicopter out of Saigon.”

“They’ve brought one on. One more than we have.”

“They’ve got us worked out. Everything’s too narrow. Coutinho might as well not be there again.”

“Finally, a substitution. Ramsey and Buendia on for Luiz and the gaffer’s mate.”

“Buendia will be the first player to play 100 times for us without ever doing a full ninety.”

“Well, that had an air of inevitably about it. West Ham have just got their first goal of the season.”

“Bailey on.”

“Stop Bailey getting the ball. I think it’s something called a tactic.”

“We’ve given up. Gerrard’s run out of ideas.”

“Three minutes stoppage time. The most natural goalscorer at the club has finally been brought on. I think my eyesight’s gone. Captain Undroppable off.”

“What a finish… The quickest hat-trick of all time. I’m speechless.”

“Not really. West Ham have just got their first, second and third points of the season. We got our first booing off of the season.”

Later on I caught the highlights and it was much as I’d been told. Villa had been okay in the first half but we were undone by David Moyes, hardly one of football’s deepest thinkers, changing things round and stifling our danger men.

Gerrard, on the other hand, stuck with what he’d got. In that sort of situation the end result is indeed inevitable, and if we have many more days like this there’ll be another inevitable result as well.

Next up is Arsenal away. Less than two years ago, when Villa were the most exciting and talked-about team in the country, we went to the Emirates and performed like we owned the place. On Wednesday all we can realistically hope is that nobody notices us leaving.