The Dickhead Tapes: What Boris really thinks

Sir Howard Elston rifles through secret recordings of the latest Cabinet meeting.

I am standing thigh-deep in spools of old fashioned reel to reel audio tape that’s been swept up and underhandedly sold to me from the Downing Street media division. It’s the stuff that no one ever hears during those confidential cabinet meetings led by Boris. Below an excerpt about care homes and Covid: 

Matthew Hancock, Health Secretary: Boris, 22,000 have died from the pandemic in our old folks homes. I have no idea how to…

Boris Johnson: Biotech…that’s it…biotech

MH: I don’t get it

Dominic Cumming, chief advisor: Blame It On The Everyday Care Homes, you idiot

Dominic Raab, Foreign Secretary: Gosh.. It sounds like bloody James Bond

Domcum: Shut the f*** up, Raab…

Raab: But Boris, you said all these care homes ignored procedures

Boris: Biotech….

MH: And made the most vulnerable even more vulnerable …22,000 covid fatalities

Domcum: Shut the f*** up, potato face 

Boris: Biotech, lads, biotech…

Rishi Sunak, chancellor: Boss, those care homes had to buy their own protective gear. I have the receipts.

Domcum: Rishi, shut the…

Boris: Hold it. No swearies here. Biotech, blame it on…

All: …The care homes 

Domcum (rustling papers): Next up, the banned report on how the Ruskis funded the Brexit lobby…


The full recordings continue for another 438 hours. All are available on K-Tel Records at