The Dickhead Tapes: Secret Trump election vow

Sir Howie Elston, our White House snoop, reports on the unedited audio feed straight from the West Wing.

Below are selected highlights (writes Sir Howard) from the dictaphone I glued under the Prez’s desk in the Oval Room when he wasn’t looking:

Don: We gotta stop these mail-in votes. They’re undemocratic …

Pompeo: Remind me why again…

Don (grabbing a burger): Because I’ll lose

Mnuchin: But you’ll lose anyway.

Don (gobbling a chili dog): But it’s unconstitutional. You said it yourself

Pompeo: I was talking about Nicaragua

Don: Do we own it?

Kanye West: Not yet.

Don (shlurping a choco-mint frappe): Buy Nicaragua where they got no postal votes and I’ll say it’s a states’ rights issue. Tell ‘em I’ll throw in one of my sons- the stupid one- and a golf course in Scotland.

Pompeo: I don’t think they’ll sell

Melana: Throw in Ivanka

Don (tackling a bonus bag of Reece’s peanut butter cups): We gotta fix the vote. Biden’s busting my butt. When’s the election?

Kushner: November 

Don (downing a magnum of Diet Coke): Is that after September?

Mnuchin: It’s in the fall.

Don: Every year?

(Unidentifiable attendee bangs head on table. Inaudible sound as meeting stops for cheeseburger break)

A full transcript of the meeting can be found at