Media top gun Sir Howard Elston, reporting on the planet’s heavy hitters.

With Lord Boris Johnson in the headlines this week, I can categorically make something out of nothing (because I’m on the dime per word) and list the danger points of all the globe’s kingdogs and how they endanger mankind. Here we go:

TRUMP: Wants to nuke Iran

KIM JONG UN: Wants to nuke LA

PUTIN: Invades neighbouring countries

ALI KHAMENEI: Wants to nuke shipping in Hormuz

BORIS: Spills red wine on a sofa, can’t keep it in his pants.

That’s it. That’s your lot. I’m off to my armour-plated aircraft carrier HMS High Hefner