Howard: Shock exclusive with May

Sir Howard Elston (DOA) grants an audience to Prime Minister Theresa May as she stops the Brexit vote.

MPs rally round the Prime Minister


I am sitting on a bar stool in my favourite watering hole El Vino Divino ( after scooping the lot of overpaid TV meatheads with a hush hush 1-2-1 super secret tete a tete interview with beleaguered Prime Minister of Fun Theresa May.

As she counts down her last days of political life, she curls her lean well toned 6’6” frame onto the fur-lined stool next to mine and orders a vodka and prune juice, lights another Marlboro-lite and recounts the interview.

“It was lovely Howie,” she purrs. “You gave me chills.” 

Here are highlights of that interview to be featured in tomorrow’s Daily Express, the newspaper for knuckleheads:

Me: Mrs May, congrats on that sterling performance in the House of Commons

PM: Howie, always a pleasure

Me: But why stop that vote by our elected members?

PM: As the leader of this country, I believe in democracy…and that’s why it was in the best interest of Britain not to let MPs vote. That is my democratic right as Prime Miniater. It would be wrong otherwise

Me: Why?

PM: Because democracy is best served by Oxford graduates like me telling dumb schmucks on this gem set in a silver sea what to do and think. We can’t have others try to do the same. 

Me: So MPs aren’t democratic?

Brexit bound

PM: They think and jabber on too much. They don’t represent anyone but themselves. We have always needed a leader. A strong leader. And real democracy, the voice of the people, flourishes with leadership that overcomes the weaknesses of free speech. 

Me: And you are that leader?

PM: Yes, I have received the call and it has been my responsibility to tell the people’s representatives when to vote. MPs just can’t show up and cast a ballot based on their opinions. It would be dangerous.  We need strong Guardians of the Truth to lead our common folk. We can’t allow the will of politicians to get in the way. That’s not democratic. 

Me: Possibly not, old girl,  and please give a wave the next time you are passing by the Planet Earth. So….what’s  next? 

PM: Next stop Brussels where I’ll calmly explain why we want the freedom to leave the house and take all the furniture. And then I’ll crawl on my knees, wring my hands and plead with bloodless shrieks for more concessions after the EU said there’s no more pennies left in the piggybank

Me: Prime Minister, always a pleasure….

PM: No sweat, Howie, send the cheque to the Theresa May Chariity for Demented Ideas, c|o Post Restante, Cayman per usual.

Me: Righto, chief. One last question?

PM: Shoot, big boy

Me: Northern Ireland?

MP: Never heard of the joint. Ciao, kiddo

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