In a prelude to his new autobiography, Sir Howard Elston explains why he always banks with Panamanian investors Mossack Fonseca.
I am sitting in my Panamanian headquarters watching the liberal pasty-faced newspapers around this planet bang on about how hard working financiers and selfless politicians are avoiding UK taxes and investing their dicey dosh in finance company Mossack Fonseca to make this a better world.
Yes, they used totally legal means to launder their money to enrich the world by building better mansions, better defence systems and better multi billion yachts to escape the horrors of Russia and buy up Mayfair.
Yes, they opened up international links in the name of world peace by secretly funding North Korea and those maniac nut jobs in Pyongyang. And yes, they simply followed the fiscal path carved by Prime Minister Cameron’s late dad by secretly avoiding UK tax through a grubby country in Central America best known until now for third rate dictators, a canal and some mid-ranking baseball players.
So, it is time to explain how I, this humble columnist, for this august Interwebsite, decided to become a Mossack Fonseca man.
All my millions go to The Howard Elston Fund for Poor Kids. This helps vulnerable children everywhere who cannot have access to proper private health care or a British public school. Did you know that just 23p (about 40 US cents) can give a child the chauffeured driver he or she needs to get to classes in St Johns Wood? Did you know that a meagre £1.03 (Lord knows what that is in Yankee money) will offer them a small brief holiday under the sun in the Antibes or a skiing holiday in Utah?
My charity, which is legally registered in both Moscow and Damascus and backed by Donald Trump, will fight for these goals
Through Mossack Fonseca, I can achieve these selfless aims. And through this admirable finance house, I can stop stuffing my money in useless tax systems which build schools, public hospitals and new roads and actually control how I help this world which I know best how to do.
When my good friends Sir Anthony Bamford from JCB, Lord Astor, Tory nobhead Sir Edward duCann, eternal Tory backbencher Sir Tony Baldry, bad guy Vlad Putin and various Mid-East murderous tyrants emailed me to ask if I would join their humanitarian crusade ion Panama City, I jumped at it. I literally jumped.
As for all the bleeding heart media jumping up and down on their hifalutin’ bandwagon, I say Think Once for the Kids. Think Twice for Their Future. And bloody well back off. Because if isn’t Panama where my secret money goes, it will be The Caymans, Switzerland, the Isle of Man or Jersey.
(Editor: Our offshore Yorkshire correspondent, Phil from Her Majesty’s Prison in Wakefield, says: “Sock it to ‘em Howie. You and your pals in Panama and the British Virgin Islands are making this a Better World.”)