Tennis superstar Maria Sharapova tells our sports editor Sir Howard ‘Ace’ Elston about her change of direction following the row over her drugs use.

STOP PRESS: VTIBESK, WESTERN RUSSIA

I am sitting in a bar (writes Sir Howard) in this lovely part of the former Soviet Union enjoying the peace of a tranquil warmongering state as I go over the phenomenal news that my dear friend Maria Sharapova has announced she will QUIT TENNIS.

This follows the absolute false allegations that the young(ish) superstar used a cardiac drug called Meldonium after it was banned by ruthless tennis bureaucrats.

Totally innocent Maria, who up until the row was worth $27 million per year, held back tears while sipping a vodka with diet coke and said:

“I am a simply a  heart patient who needs Meldonium. It is treatment for my ischaemia, bad blood flow and angina which has held back my international tennis career.”

“I can barely play without the Latvian drug and can’t even hold a racquet. Why only last week at the Doncaster Grasscourt Open for Very Tall Women,  I barely got through a five set match against both Williams sisters.”

She continued as she played with the keys to her eight litre Porsche: “The unfair tennis bosses are out to get me. And I know that they blindfolded and kidnapped my staff of 35 so they couldn’t see the January ban on the drug which has helped me leave my crutches behind and allows me to eat without the use of a full-time nurse.”

Quits

“I will quit tennis,” kind hearted Maria added. “I am opening a chain of pharmaceutical branches throughout the world so people poorer than me- which represents  about 99.8% of the planet’s population- can be protected from heart disease and nasty tennis bosses.”

The drug store chain will be called Maria’s Racquet and is backed by The Trump Charity for Rich Druggy Athletes

“It will also offer any pharmaceutical that has been denied illegally to totally innocent tennis players to help with circulation diseases, cardiac complaints and neurological complaints,” thoughtful Maria added.

“I will also offer Thai massages and tanning salons in the back of my top notch premises.”

Phil from Leeds, a big tennis fan and retired motor scooter dealer, commented: “God, what a star. Courageous Maria is leaving her golden career behind to help others. Long live kind hearted Maisie. Long live Meldonium.”

(This site wishes to humbly thank Ms Sharapova for allowing us to use her name in this article  The cheque, made out to the Sharapova Clinic for Sick People, is in the post)