As I sit in my 18 foot inflatable hi-speed rescue boat high above what was once a Lancastrian town (writes Sir Howard), I can reveal new government policies which will rise to the surface as top politicians paddle to aid The North.

Dave the Wave Cameron has pledged huge support for the region which he and his Bullingdon Club crowd has earmarked as the new economic powerhouse..ie, as long as it doesn’t impact on London and remains way out of the way of the Home Counties.

As he toured York and Carlisle, which both have seen their city centres knee deep in dirty river waters, he promised: “The floods have ruined lives, businesses and communities. But we are here, not only for votes in marginal soggy seats, but to show we will offer a helping hand.”

His main points:

• Flood waters will be harnessed to power cotton mills to keep our boys in uniform warm as they protect the Empire
• A new sandbag mega-factory will be built near Helmsley in North Yorkshire to provide literally dozens of jobs
• Seb Coe, now that he has time on his hands after quitting Nike, will open a new sub-aqua diving centre over land which used to be the town of Cockermouth
• All damaged furniture will be bought at Costco prices to create huge bonfires so our northern brothers and sisters can remain warm and don’t have to go down pits
• Those made unemployed who don’t have second homes in the Cotswolds will be guaranteed jobs in manor houses where there will be specific posts in maintenance, domestic duties and kitchen work.
• All rivers will be straightened upstream to allow waters to flow more forcibly through towns thus protecting valuable grouse-hunting moorlands

King Cammo, who was undergoing his first ever trip north of Watford Gap, toured damaged areas in Abercrombie & Fitch windcheater, North Face gortex quick-dry trousers and Jack Wolfskin fleece with triple ply Polartex waterproofing.

He added; “The Great Northern Powerhouse, which will shine like a beacon compared to those other provincial centres that I never visit, will rise to more powerful heights thanks to the floods, the wind and the rain.”

Phil, a retired car dealer from north Leeds and a specialist in post-diluvian politics commented: “Dave is a genius. Just when we thought we was all goners oop here in yon north, he comes and delivers us a silver lined gift.

“’Thank god for Dave the Wave, thank God for the Conservative Party that deprived our cities of flood barriers, thank God for those workers in Bangladesh who stitched up those sandbags to line our doorsteps and streets.”