Howard Exclusive: Immigrants to be given seats in the House of Lords

Sir Howard Elston, our Westminster correspondent, reports on a new initiative to solve two problems at once.

Howard Elston

Sources deep within the government have told me that refugees and immigrants landing on Britain’s gilded shores will be offered places in the House of Lords.

She told me over crumpets and cocaine in a posh city centre eaterie: “We have received alot of undeserved flak from all sides about picking tosspots, politlcal footpads, lazy billionaires and cynical dogsbodies to get seats for life doing sweet FA.

“Now we can give the folks who hide in lorries and land in leaky boats a place to stay instead of the second-rate pond life we usually appoint.”

Present intake of new Lords

Lords in recent debate

The plan emerged as the government handpicked a raft of greedy lazy jerks for new seats in the upper House (my sources tell me).

They include Douglas Hogg who allegedly claimed £2000 in Parliamentary expenses for fixing the moat on his country estate;  James Lupton who craftily donated close to £3m to the Conservatives to help the country get back on its feet; and, politician Andrew Lansley who, while health secretary, made such a mess of re organising the NHS with such a deft touch that he was sacked by Cameron.

Potential House of Lords candidates

Potential House of Lords candidates

The immigrant scheme will hopefully balance the criticism over the above whacko appointments.

“The poor and dispossessed will  be able to collect their £300 per diem like all the doddards and slackers and drunks who inhabit the upper unelected House,” my unimpeachable but very high source explained. “Plus, they can pontificate at will – in their own languages of course – on issues without having any effect on our slowly sinking island…just like the House of Lords operates now.”

The immigrants will gain their seats on a points system based on how difficult it was to enter the UK. Early  suggestions from Downing Street indicate a candidate would get big marks for sneaking into the back of a lorry. And less points for flying into a provincial airport and declaring legitimate political refugee status.

The source added: “Whatever the criteria, it means the poor souls would get immediate housing, a warm and safe place to spend the day and good food in the Parliamentary restaurants.”

“Plus,” she continued, “like the present lot of Lords, they wouldn’t have to do any work.”

Bill, a Geordie political commentator and saliva-dripping leftie commented in a commenty sort of way over a pint or Newcastle Brown while smoking a roll-up and grooming his greyhound: “Why aye man and Howay the Lads (note from the editor: that’s how they speak up there).This plan is a Tory conspiracy to crush the working classes. I’m not sure how. But it’s obvious. Excuse me while I take my boar and kale quiche oot of the oven.”


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