Sir Howard Elston, confidante of the football world and its poverty-stricken players, sits down with disgraced FIFA boss Septic Bladder.

Sir Howard Elston: Lord Bladder, as Imperial Warlord of the Dark Star and High Admiral of the Integalactic Football League, you are stepping down. Is it because you are a criminal who was on the take or were you just an incompetent moron while $150 milion of bribes were dished out to your money-grubbing lieutenants?

Septic Bladder: After four arduous days as the re-elected president of FIFA, I found the duties just too demanding. I will resign to let others oversee our organisation’s grey money floating into Swiss and Cayman Island special enterprise schemes that will enrich not only poor countries but those hard working folks from FIFA who laboured for hours to earn their extra fees.

SHE: To repeat, are you a criminal who was on the take or were you just an incompetent moron while $150 million of bribes were dished out to your  money-grubbing lieutenants?

SB: We made decisions based on what was best for the World Cup at the time. In laugh-a-minute Russia, you have an open hearted nation ready to beat up gays, beat up democrats, beat up Ukrainians. Also I thought Putin resembled Daniel Craig as 007 and thought that was really cool. As for fun loving Qatar, having the finals in the desert in the summer would be best for leisure activities off the pitch such as sunbathing, dying on a building site, or having a Bellini cocktaiI while signing the cheque for a bribe.

SHE: To repeat, are you a criminal who was on the take or were you just incompetent moron while $150 million of bribes were dished out to to money-grubbing lieutenants?

Septic

SB: My primary goal is to help emerging states. And I do accept changes must be made.Therefore, one of my last decisions will be to replace the Russian World Cup of 2018 with the tournament taking place in laugh-a-minute Crimea now under attack from evil Kiev and its fascist mongrel dogs.

SHE: To repeat, are you a criminal who was on the take or were you just incompetent moron who… well, you get the idea.

SB: As for Qatar, while we appreciate this shiekhdom’s attempts to battle the world population crisis by killing off 46% of its overseas workforce, we now will give the 2022 World Cup to North Korea.

SHE: Once more, Lord Septic, are you a criminal who was on the take or were you just an incompetent moron while $150 million of bribes were dished out to your money-grubbing gang?

SB: Thank you Sir Howard. Your cheque will be with you once you hit the Pyongyang Hilton. Just ask for my assistant Ms Trixie Belle La FouFou.

SHE: Lord Septic, always a pleasure. My sort code and account number will be with you inside the hour.

Backhanders  will be donated to the Sir Howard Elston Fund for Little Kids based in Jersey, the Isle of Man and Guatemala City.

@sirhoward elston