Sir Howard Elston delivers a one-two punch of ace reportage on the prizefight of the decade.
I am sitting in my favourite House of Pancakes watering hole in downtown Las Vegas on the eve of the big fight between megastar welterweight Floyd Mayweather Jr and extreme lightweight Dave ‘Bullingdon Boy’ Cameron – an event said to be worth more than £5.68 to the pug that survives this classic ring contest.
But will it even go ahead? Mayweather, who is known for his psychological shenanigans, says that Cammo is using dirty tricks with his water boy Wee Nikki Klegg lying over tuition fees and allowing VAT rises from a neutral corner
Bully Boy Cameron’s camp, which includes ‘Iron’ Mike Gove and Gabe ‘The Babe’ Osborn counter that Mayweather has a weak grasp on macro economic theory and NHS funding.
The latest salvo from each corner emerged as odds shortened on Cammo. He is now a 4/102 underdog to wrest the crown from Floyd. This has spurred a source close to both sides to say:
Floyd’s main weapon is a straight left. The Bullingdon Boy is best known for a below the belt counter attack based on rumour, scaremongering and rank snobbery.”
The winner will definitely take on rising star Ed ‘The Red’ Moribund in a title punch-a-thon slated for early next year.
But contenders are lining up already.
Bojo Johnson is known to be on a military training course to toughen himself up so he can take on all fighters and become not only heavyweight champ (which is not far off now considering his waistband), but Mayor of London, MP for somewhere posh and big time brawler.
Others queuing include ‘El Tel’ May – who may become the next female champ as she always leads from her extreme right. Iin the wings too is vicious street thug Eddie ‘Two Nuts’ Balls and right behind is Nikki Haggishead Sturgeon with her constant one-two headbutting combo and an earthy nationalism to keep her in the mix.
As for now though, an eerie calm has descended in this town of a million dreams as punters and gamblers alike take on the delights of Las Vegas including Underwater Pole Dancing, Nude Volleyball and Extreme Running With Scissors.
Phil, a second hand car dealer from Scunthorpe (it looks just like it sounds) and a fight fan exclaimed amid bites of a frozen Mars bar and a pint of Black Sheep: “It’s gonna be some kind of prizefight. Both dudes are righteous bangers with no reverse gear. It’s gonna be so sick and I have no idea why I am talking like this since I am a good grammar school boy with shed-loads of A levels with a post grad degree in planning.”