As I sit on the steps of the Vatican here in Rome (Italy), I can reveal via my cybernet IPAD-thing that the ecumenical chiefs here are ready to beatify Vladimir Putin.
He will be known as St Vlad the Bad, according to church leaders.
Earlier today, an insider told me as we sat in the corner of an intimate cafe overlooking the Tiber:”Mr Putin is a saviour of world peace. For years he has struggled to pave the way for a level playing field in Chechyna. And it is now literally a level field..and nothing else.
“And in Ukraine, he has waved the White Flag of the Dove and quelled the forces of evil who want the Ukraine to remain Ukrainian.”
“And then there is his continuing efforts in Syria to back the the legitimate regime that is using meditation, mediation and barrel bombs thrown from helicopters to bring brotherly love to the Mid East.’
St Vlad will take his place in the pantheon of saints along with such beatified souls as Peter, Paul and Mary, Chaz and Dave and The Kinks in time for the annual Russian Revolution knees-up in October, the church source told me over a a second helping of anchovy pizza ad diet Cherry Cokes.
The St Vlad movement has been overshadowed by the imminent sainthood awaiting Pope John XVI and John XXIII. But the Putin movement has been building over the past few weeks as the man who is known in church circles as The Deathstar Czar is fast becoming a church ikon.
Phil, a second hand car dealer from Leeds and a leading church commentator said: ‘I have just been to the Feldman Bar Mitzvah in Harrogate and I am stuffed with bagels and cream cheese. But I can tell you St Vlad will change the world with his peace initiatives that will leave this planet…in pieces.’
‘By the way, those Clio 1.2 saloons are moving fast.Call now. Pay later.’