Howard: Top Tudor TV Picks

Sixteenth century Tv critic Howard Elston (DOA) tells us what to watch on the box today

Howard Elston


6Am- 9AM: Tudor Breakfast News: Sir Grenville Foulke and Lady Elizabeth Bolynne offer a wide  range of news and current events- foreign correspondent Sir Averill Coningtower  gives us on the spot reportage of the Armada fleet leaving Spain; there’s swan and boar  recipes from Lower Saxony and live sat-feeds of Sir Francis Drake as he rounds the Straits of Magellan looking to  plunder poor people’s lands. Plus Lancaster v Yorkshire bowls and royal tennis quarter finals from Hampton Court

9:12- 9.30 AM: Tudor DIY: The Earl of Southampton offers us an inside look at fixing those pesky oriel windows; how to transform your basement into a torture chamber for under £10; and an exclusive interview with The Earl of Southampton’s son Fontesque who has invented   a perpetual motion machine to power England’s first tabloid newspaper to be published by Sir Rupert Caxtonne

9.45- 9.50: Tudor Location, Location, Location: Dickie Bolynne checks out  Ye Olde Worlde property bargains  seized   in religious wars by Sir Cecil Walsingham’s secret police. Plus an intimate peek at Queen Elizabeth’s summer coastal hideaway in idyllic Hull-by-the-Sea

10AM-10.45: Clarkson’s Tudor Hiways: Lord Clarkson takes his latest horse carriage for a spin through famous Tudor battlefields where he  charts Henry VII’s progress at Bosworth  in his 3bhp war chariot. In addition, he blesses us with his tempered take on the Spanish, French, Scots, Flems, Lapps and any other race he deems to be not English

10.50-10.55: Tudor News: Breaking on the spot stories from Spain, Calais and an exclusive report on a new playwright in London soon to take the theatre by storm thanks to his links with Castilian siren Lady Jenyffer Lopez, Dame Helena de la Mirren and doyenne of the boards, Dame Lady Vynessa Reddegrave.

11- 11.30: Tudor Munchies:  Nigella Purloin-Fatbumme explores the secrets of behind the scenes food production in the bowels of  Blair Manor and also gives us an insight into how poor people bake mud pies to keep up their calorie intake when ground down by vicious French absentee landlords. Plus, more on those great baked swan cupcakes

12.3- 1Pm; Tudor Panorama: Sir Jermaine Paxman reveals how lords, marquises, earls and minor royals take grubby backhanders to raise issues regarding Fiji, the Virginia colonies and annoying Puritans . Plus Tudor weather.

1pm- 3pm: Tudor Afternoon Movie: Sit back and enjoy that rollicking comedy Carry On Headless: Lowborn Kenneth Williams meets rollicking blueblood Sir Sydney James and courtesan Mme Hattie Jacques on the scaffold after  rollickingly attempting to steal the crown jewels . But the rollicking Earl of Dudley has other plans…

3pm-6pm: The Only Way Is Tudor: A fascinatingly original idea to put cameras in the homes of six Tudor households and edit it to look funny and enable the participants to be made to resemble unspeakable baboons. Today  Eustace de la Troop gets turned on by horsewhipping  servants; how Mary Rope-Girdlestrap has hair problems as she attends her first witch burning and an hilarious romp with the Middleton Jones family as they  argue about  who  has the last word when it comes to denouncing secret Catholics.