From our senior sports reporter Sir Howie ‘ The Boy’ Elston (DOA)
Top sport sources have told me that Fergie will become the next Man United manager to sort out the club after years of intractable problems.
Ferguson is in Manchester, which is in the sunny northern part of England, UK, today talking contract details, the insider said to me over a Bovril and a dubious meat pie.
‘Fergie’s the one.’ he rhapsodised. ‘The exact person to clean up this team.’
Old Trafford has been damaged almost beyond remedy with its player sex scandals, the Glazer family heaping million of pounds of debt on the club which is now officially registered in the Cayman Islands, the stories of dressing room feuds and the bullyboy intimidation of refs and other managers by team staff.
‘There’s also the bad news over press censorship because when they dislike a reporter they don’t let him into press briefings. It’s like Soviet Russia except with less snow.’ he opined.
‘But Sarah Ferguson will be a new broom. She’ll sweep out the bullies and bring in an approach that’ll light up the shabby world of football.’
‘After all,’ he mused, ‘she’s the Royal who captained the It’s a Knock- Out team. I mean, she’s got class coming out of her tiara.’
She will also give the BBC its own studio at Old Trafford to make amends for the 7 year ban of Beeb reporters speaking to the team boss after he threw a Clydeside hissy fit.
Sarah Ferguson will start her job after she wraps up an Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice ad for cable channel Gold Xtra Live AM.
Her spokesthing, Sebastian Kettle-Jones, said: ‘I, of course, cannot talk details. Sarah is a busy person with her affairs.’
‘But she has talked to the Prince of Pork on the 19th hole of Wentworth and said she relishes the challenges of rebuilding Man United.’
One issue that will be resolved by Ferguson when she starts is whether potato faced Wayne Rooney will stay at the club after years of indecision.
‘Wayne-o loves Sarah.’ added the insider. ‘He digs her style and sense of fun .’ he said to me over a glass of sparkling white and a cavier bouche mouche.
‘And he’s a big It’s A Knock out fan too.’
Fergie’s two daughters, Beatrice and the other one, are delighted too. ‘They always wanted to live in Manchester. It has been their dream, what with Morecombe Bay just down the road.’
Nigel, a football expert from Tyneside and a yoga teacher, said: ‘ Fergie will put oomph into a sagging bloated club. Us Northerners love the royals as much as our whippets, our roll up cigarettes and black pudding suppers.’